RROMP
by skullanddog
Summary: For everyone miffed by male pregnancy stories.  Random Rapid-Onset Male Pregnancy. Everybody is pregnant except for Ichigo - what can he be doing wrong?


_A/N: Please don't read this expecting a serious male pregnancy story... honestly I wrote it because I have trouble understanding how anyone can take male pregnancy seriously._

_True it's f***ing horrible and OOC. Um, but when is making a male character pregnant _not _OOC?_

_Um..._

_With a grain of salt, enjoy._

* * *

><p>RROMP<p>

He leant heavily against the bowl, relying on its cool white curves for support as the giddiness subsided.

It was the best day of his life.

Ichigo Kurosaki, 16, was finally pregnant.

The sickness for the second morning in a row, the tenderness of his breasts, his inexplicable craving for garlic cupcakes, it all made sense now. He was pregnant.

He couldn't wait to tell someone. Rukia, if she were nearby, or Renji, or perhaps the Espada shacking up in 72nd District; or maybe Ichigo would take the day in the living world, where Chad, Uryu, Kon, and those two guys he went to school with could lavish him with attention.

As Ichigo levered himself off the bathroom floor, idly flushing the commode, he wondered what Byakuya would have to say about all this.

Ichigo pictured saying the words.

_Byakuya, we're having a baby!_

Byakuya was, after all, the father.

With a smile on his pale yet radiantly-glowing face, Ichigo stepped out into the world.

Today was gonna be great.

* * *

><p>"Wh- what?"<p>

Voice shaking, eyes blurring, heat surging up his neck, Ichigo forced himself to meet Byakuya's grey eyes. Kuchiki was in stark contrast to the boy. He was the epitome of composure. Not a hair out of place.

Not a single, freaking hair.

Was it any wonder Ichigo, the one blip in Byakuya's finely tuned machine of an existence, be met with – with-

"I said I don't believe you," Byakuya repeated coolly. He met Ichigo's trembling gaze, met those shining brown eyes and held them until Ichigo was forced to look away.

Byakuya continued, "You've been punching holes in my condoms since we met. You're emotionally unbalanced and obviously feel parenthood will bring you the stability you so sorely crave, a child the affection. If you're given an inch on this, you'll take a mile. So no, I don't believe you are pregnant."

"But the sickness-"

"A by-product of your bout with Ikkaku yesterday, I'll bet."

Ichigo bit his lip to shake off his tears. He let out a little growl which built into a shout. He stomped on the tatami mat, and cried, "Then what about my nipples!"

He stormed from the Kuchiki residence without bothering with a reply.

Byakuya watched idly after him, sipping at his tea. After a while, tired of watching _Sunrise Soul _Society in the setta position, he stretched his feet out in front of him. Slim white calves and ankles showed between the hem of his haori and the cuff of his socks.

Mildly, Byakuya tipped his head to the side.

His ankles were certainly fat today.

* * *

><p>Ichigo sat in the Karakura Pathology Clinic, fuming.<p>

Three seats down from him, Uryu was knitting a pair of booties.

Uryu petted his bulging belly fondly. "Random rapid-onset male pregnancy, or rromp, that's what it is," he said, half to himself, half to Chad on the seat beside him. Chad nodded as if this were all very well and true. Uryu continued, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper, "Three days from conception to birth. They say there's no scientific way of explaining it – that the cause lies in corruption of the canon."

"Huhn," grunted Renji, on the seat next to Ichigo. Renji didn't look WOW in his maternity yukata, but at least he looked better than Chad. "I've been corrupting _my_ canon since I was thirteen years old. This is the first time it's ever made me pregnant."

Uryu adjusted his glasses, his eyes shifting sideways to Renji. "My theory is that rromp is a sexually-transmitted infection, like the Clap. I mean, I only got it after sleeping with Chad, and he's already on his second pregnancy. Chad probably picked it up from Ulquiorra, although it's anyone guess as to how _that_ works."

"He corrupted my canon," Chad murmured.

The _clack clack _of knitting needles was getting to Ichigo, particularly since he had the noise in stereophonic. He glanced sharply at Uryu. "If you're so sure you're pregnant, what are you doing sitting in the pathology clinic?"

"Yeah," said Grimmjow, from Ichigo's left, hanging over Ichigo's lap to leer at the Quincy, "Shouldn't ya be in maternity classes learnin' how ta breath or sumptin?"

Ulquiorra, two seats down on Ichigo's right, nudged Grimmjow. "He's a Quincy, fool. They're born knowing how to handle a pregnancy. They're like ducks to water."

"Admire the supple, virtually feminine form of the adolescent Quincy," said Urahara, sitting between Ulquiorra and Stark, "The delicate limbs, the heart-rendering paleness of the skin. He's a fragile doll, until you reach the child-bearing hips."

Uryu blushed. "Stop it. You're embarrassing me."

He didn't sound particularly embarrassed to Ichigo. Eyes narrowed, certain conspiracy was afoot, Ichigo said, "You didn't answer my question, Uryu. Chad, Renji, you lot of Espada; what are doing here if you already know you're pregnant?"

Renji gave a horsey sort of laugh and put an obnoxious arm over Ichigo's shoulders. "You should know, man. We're just here to support you!"

"Yeah!" cheered Kon, looking up from his copy of _Mothers_ magazine, "This is your first pregnancy, you know? We all want to be here when you get the good news!"

"Kon, Renji, Uryu, Chad, Uruhara, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Stark, Barrigan, Gin, Aizen, Arroniero, Tessai, Jinta, Noba, Kurodo, Keigo, Mizuiro, Don Kanonji, Ryohei, Heita, Kei, Mr Pork, Jin, Koga, Ho, Ban, Ryo, Mabashi, Ugaki, Cain, Sawatari, Shinji, Love, Kensei, Rojuro, Hachigen, Nnoitra, Zommari, Szayel, Yammy, Lupey, Dordoni, Gantenbainne, Nakeem, D-Roy, Pesche, Grand Fisher, Menos Grande... you're all here for me?" Tears sprung to Ichigo's eyes for the second time that day. He swallowed back a sob. "What would I do without you guys?"

Grimmjow shrugged. "Date a girl?"

Before that could get topical, the male nurse at the front desk checked his clipboard, and called, "Kurosaki? The doctor is ready with your results."

There was a chorus of "Good luck, Ichigo!" as the young man strode across the waiting room floor to the doctor's office. Ichigo did not look back at the ranks of his friends, all of them knitting or comparing bellies, for fear he would collapse into a shivering heap of nerves and have to be rewritten into something more angsty.

The doctor waited for him by the door.

"I'm OC," said the doctor, closing the door after Ichigo and directing him to a seat, "Doctor of pathology. I do maternity doctoring as a hobby, although the recent spate of rromp cases has prompted me to take a perfunctory interest in paternity doctoring as well. Feel free to ask me anything."

Ichigo sat on the suede seat, his hands clasped tightly between his knees. He could hear excited muttering from the waiting room through the closed door. He looked around at charts of the chemical composition of haemoglobin and urine, at the wall papered in ultrasound print-outs, and a small rack of books containing titles on the three-day male gestation period. He said, "Well?"

Doctor OC shrugged. "Well what?"

"Well am I pregnant?"

There was a second of silence, and Doctor OC burst out laughing. "That's what this is about? You think you're pregnant? No, you're not pregnant. You've just got a slight case of gastroenteritis, that's all. It should pass within the week. Here, I'll write you a recommendation to an actual doctor who can prescribe you something."

Ichigo snapped, "If I wanted a recommendation, I'd ask my father." He stood to leave. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have butts to molest."

"Hold on, hold on," Doctor OC chided, grasping Ichigo's wrist to keep him in the office, "You aren't taking this very seriously, young man. Do you have any idea of the repercussions of random rapid-onset male pregnancy?"

"Yeah, you get a baby at the end," said Ichigo.

"Do you have any idea how a male can deliver a child?"

Pause.

"It isn't like it matters," Ichigo said, pretending to be flippant, "I'll just have a C-section or something."

Doctor OC barked, "Sit _down_, Mr Kurosaki! Listen to me for a minute!"

Out of sheer surprise, Ichigo did as bidden. Doctor OC regarded him sternly. Ichigo shrugged punkishly. "What?"

"I suspect you've already heard that random rapid-onset male pregnancy takes around three days from conception to birth," the doctor said, all humour now gone from his voice, "That means the final half of the third trimester lasts only twelve hours – you could go into labour at any stage in those twelve hours. Do you realise the implications of this? You could be anywhere – in school, at work, fighting hollows –"

"How did you know that I fight hollows?" Ichigo demanded.

"I didn't. Now I do. It's unimportant. What matters is that you might be completely removed from safe delivery conditions. You might not be anywhere near a hospital. And so, not anywhere near a C-section."

Slowly, the ramifications of his wish began to dawn on Ichigo. "You mean... but what would happen? I'd still have to give birth!"

"Yes, you would. Babies don't wait for anything. Just ask women." Doctor OC chuckled. "Can you imagine what will happen if you, a male, are forced to give birth without a Caesarean section?"

Ichigo gulped. He could imagine it all right. Far too clearly. Swallowing hard, he said, "My dick would explode."

Doctor OC nodded. "That's correct. And let me tell you this, young man; those things don't grow back."

"Then if I get pregnant, I'll just take that last day off school."

"What if Aizen invades again?"

"How do you _know_ all this?" Ichigo demanded.

"I follow the news. Come on, do you really think those little shinigami techniques wipe everyone's memories? Their success rate is 99.999% at best." Doctor OC gave Ichigo a savage grin. "I advise you to treat having a child in much the same way as you would having a pet dog. It's a decision you need to take your time in making. A child, like a dog, is not just for Christmas. It's for the next ten, perhaps even the next twenty years."

"Yeah," said Ichigo, backing slowly out of the office. "I don't think you know as much about kids as you think."

"I don't know anything about kids. Never said I did. All I know is pregnancy. And stool samples. Please, Mr Kurosaki, consider your actions. Act with responsibility. You are only 16, you know. There's plenty of time."

His hand on the door handle, Ichigo nodded. "I'll think about it."

He stepped out into the crowded waiting room.

There was the kind of silence you get from lots of sweaty pregnant men holding their collective breath.

"Well?" said Uryu at last.

Ichigo faced his friends with a brave little smile. "I guess it just isn't my time."

The silence continued, but now it was hampered with the weight of sympathy.

Ichigo didn't want any of it. He brushed past Renji as the shinigami tried to console him, pushed through the ranks of men towards the pathology clinic door.

Perhaps it wasn't such a great day after all.

* * *

><p>The afternoon passed in a haze of butts and secks, mostly together.<p>

Ichigo returned to the Soul Society immediately after leaving the Kurosaki Pathology Clinic. He just wasn't in the mood for Earth and its rules, its damn rules. He just wanted to frig the afternoon away.

He was working his way steadily through Squad Ten when the numbness which had surrounded his heart for the past several hours finally defrosted to bitter despair.

What, thought Ichigo, was the point?

Because if he wasn't pregnant, if he couldn't be pregnant, what the hell was the point of him copulating in strangers?

"Ichigo," said Ikkaku, speaking over his shoulder, "What's the matter?"

"Forget it." Ichigo withdrew. He slapped Ikkauku's bare ass without really seeing it, then rolled off the bed. "I'm not in the mood."

Ikkaku frowned at him. "But I thought we had something going on. Something good."

Ichigo eyed him wearily as he pulled on his haori. "Can we have this discussion later?"

"If you've got something to say, you should say it now."

"Fine." Ichigo grabbed his sword, sheathed it, and headed for the door. "You're ankles are fat and it'd make me happy if your ass was half as bald as your head."

He left Ikkaku gawking at him from the sheets.

Ichigo spent an aimless half hour sulking through the streets of the Soul Society. He kept running into his past lovers. Everyone seemed to be having a baby. Everyone but him. Everyone he met was talking about sore feet, aching backs, labour pains, tender nipples. Everyone was knitting socks and beanies and booties and carrying soft stuffed demonic animals. Even Kenpachi. And that, frankly, was terrifying even by the hard light of day.

Wait a minute.

Tender nipples.

The pathologist had never explained Ichigo's tender nipples.

In a flash, Ichigo was running. He sprinted to the Family Mart a block shy of the Kuchiki residence. Kyoraku and Ukitake were inside, discussing how the 79th District was going to be demolished in order to make way for a paternity hospital. Ichigo ignored them. He pushed a home pregnancy test over the counter to Hanataro.

"Still hopeful?" Hanataro wondered, because Hanataro can be a sonova bitch sometimes.

Ichigo just grunted in response and shoved the money over the counter.

With the pregnancy kit bagged and paid for, he hurried from the store. He ran the block to the Kuchiki residence (where the drapes were of the softest plum pink and decorated with delicate sakura blossoms, always said even before the rash of rramp to be the most tasteful and rampantly heterosexual drapes in all of the Soul Society, where it was the epitome of manliness to be fond of flowers).

Byakuya was still watching television, although now he had a doona over his head and a box of chocolates beside him on the tatami mat. Ichigo gave him not so much as a hello as he strode into the residency. Byakuya watched him without apparent interest.

"Good evening, Ichigo," Byakuya said, chewing deliberately on a caramel.

"Sod off," said Ichigo, and stormed into the bathroom.

Ten minutes and one lucky dip later, there was a knock on the bathroom door.

"Ichigo."

The voice belonged to Byakuya.

"What is it?"

Byakuya hesitated in the hallway. Ichigo's voice was muffled. Was he crying again? Still? He never usually cried after spending a day reaping ass. Concern hidden to all bar himself, Byakuya leant against the bathroom door.

"I've made plans for dinner. Hitsuguya is going to cook for us."

"Byakuya..."

The bathroom door slid open. Byakuya stepped away neatly to avoid toppling into Ichigo. The boy faced him, his downcast eyes turning slowly upwards, until they met the ash grey eyes of the only man he truly loved (though was far from the only man he ever screwed like a nancy in a whirlwind).

"Byakuya... I'm... I'm pregnant." Ichigo bit his lip. "I really mean it this time. This morning I had a pathology test, and that said I wasn't. But it's random rapid-onset male pregnancy – it's very difficult to pick up on first day. But now – now-"

"Shush," said Byakuya, and he swept Ichigo into his arms, "I understand. The child is mine?"

Well...

"Of course it's yours," Ichigo whispered, "You're the only one who could ever conquer my spirit."

"Then I am glad, for you will finally have your wish." Byakuya smiled, and stepped back from Ichigo, where the smile immediately faded into an amicable iciness. "My dear, you are not the only one with good news."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes." The unseen smirk returned. "I am also pregnant."

"Then we'll have twins!" Ichigo cried.

"Not quite."

"Why not?"

Byakuya smirked, for real this time. "I'm having octuplets."

Upstaged or not, it really was the best day of Ichigo's life.

In fact, the next day, when Byakuya went into early labour, Ichigo wished he had appreciated just how sweet those final hours as a bachelor had been.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Sorry again to the anonymous troll in the reviews who took this seriously.  
>I hope your life gets better soon.<em>


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